I wanted to tell you guys tomorrow, but I am not going to be there :(
On Monday, I committed to going to Hawaii for a 2 month internship in June and July.
I'm stoked about it.
Over the past while, as I have been learning to see my gifts and better understand how I should be expending them for the Kingdom; I have equally experienced a discontent in recognizing that I'm not using them. I don't feel a peace or confidence that I'm walking in the role that God designed me to fulfill.
The past two years, a time that most take steps towards mastering their craft and walking into their roles, God has been doing much foundational work in my mind and heart in understanding Him and the Christian life - work that I should have surrendered to him doing sooner. I don't see it as punishment, far from punishment is being nurtured (or as Bri or Caydin? would say, 'massaged':) by the Spirit, transforming into the image of pure and holy God. But the fact that I blew my college years chasing after the wind, I needed a season to learn important truths about God. In it, I've seen the Lord take my life, then gripping the world tightly, release me and reveal that following Jesus, and worshipping and enjoying intimacy with God is the purpose of existence. My mind and heart now know that unexperienced treasures lie ahead in fully releasing and turning towards Christ. My head and heart are looking at Him, and I'm now consciously fighting to pull out the remnants of the unhealthy affair my flesh had with the world.
I don't know if there's a more noticeable area of my life that I can see this tension in than in my thoughts of work and vocation. Because of the confusion, without a doubt, the question I most hate answering is "What do you want to do for work?" "What are your plans, what are you wanting to do when you.....are thirty?!"
I've been overwhelmed and still don't get a lot of it. I'm confused about why in my mind I don't think I can pursue Christ as fully and with as much enthusiasm in a secular job as I could in ministry; and more broadly I'm amidst the breaking down of a career understanding where I'm at the top of a water slide platform with 4 slides to choose to go down, with so many factors distracting God's voice.
Building frustrations have turned into sarcastic remarks about how I have no idea when people ask. But I really don't think it's very funny :( I want so badly to feel the joy and contentment that comes from effectively pouring my gifts into a role that I know God's equipped me for.
So the thing I am most excited about Hawaii is that it will continue what circles has planted and further allow me to see God's desire for me in this area. I hope God will further till my fleshly proneness to desiring comfort over obedience in the area of a job, and that I will be able to more accept that I've been made by God. The same God who commanded the world to come into existence! I want to be unleashed man.
*Cool side note - I have a friend who, since starting college, has been drifting. And God has been putting him on my heart over the past year or so and I haven't been faithful in praying for him and going up and visiting him at school. He called me the other day to tell me he'll be going to Hawaii for 6 weeks to play baseball. Same time! Same island!:)
I told him i was gonna be there too - I wish I could do his reaction justice;)
So please be praying for diligence and for God to move huge. My friends name is Trevor.
I will definitely keep you guys updated.