It is discouraging to see how quickly I resort to trying to cover my low planks. I can't stop my proneness to hide my weaknesses, my default mode that constantly magnetizes towards trying to make everything seem ok. The Body of Christ is so stalled when I do that. What a horrible mistake to make.
I'm not ok. I am still really broken, I have lived a selfish, wrong-direction, sinful life until God began revealing Himself, His greatness and His unconditional, and immeasurable grace to me. And since then (about 2 years ago) I have been spending a lot of time around healed people. And I am now realizing that during much of the past 2 years, I have tried to make my restoration towards holiness happen on my own. I saw it in others, and I tried to get it myself (through Christian books, disciplines, practices..etc) I tried to make it happen without submitting to God doing it - however he wants - probably through a furnace. Discipline produces the peaceful fruit of righteousness, but even if it didn't - It doesn't matter because it is for His glory, not mine.
God can cause this shift of looking differently at my brokenness though.
"Therefore thus says the Lord God: Now I will restore the fortunes of Jacob and have mercy on the whole house of Israel, and I will be jealous for my holy name. They shall forget their shame and all the treachery they have practiced against me, when they dwell securely in their land with none to make them afraid," Ezekiel 39:25-26.
It is still so hard to revisit those treacherous places. But He will make me forget them or see them anew.
I hear the Lord say today, "Son, if you only knew how big my Grace really is. Your past and your idolatry, and your disobedience is more wrong than you'll ever know. But please stop trying to equalize it - you will never be able to come close - it's impossible. Impossible.
Please go to the Cross. The perfect redemption that you don't even know you're looking for is there."
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Dannah chastised...I mean reminded...me about blogging;)
Hawaii has gotten better:) The Lord has his hand so much on New Hope - it's such a blessing to be around!
Something so cool that He has been doing in my time out here has been allowing me to understand things about myself, Him, and life in a more organized and prioritized way.
I feel like in some ways, my mind/heart have been moving from this:
I used to drown in is confusion, because of an inability to stand on truth as Truth, and it would cause me to get so discouraged.
I feel more organized and put together, more grounded in God's truth and stronger in the sense that I am finding victory in things that used to easily drag me off course from pursuing Him.
I've begun to enjoy the excitement of learning that scripture and Truth straight-up allow me to realign my wavering flesh back onto the Truth about my place in God's story and my identity as His child...like seriously we can tell ourselves "No, Billy, wherever that thought came from, it's not true and THIS is how you should be thinking," and it listens!!! :)
But at the same time, I have also seen how weak and unable I am to even enter into that process. It's hard:/ Sometimes it feels like I just can't do it. I don't have the energy or might to drag myself before the Lord and call on His strength.
A friend of mine just shared with me some wisdom she received from an older woman in our church recently...This woman told her that some mornings she has a really really really hard time getting out of bed (she's like 70). She says that seriously, sometimes she really just can't get out of bed. And what she does is sing hymns until she has enough strength to get up and start her day. "The joy of the Lord is my strength...the joy of the Lord is my strength...the joy of the Lord is my strength..." for sometimes more than 30 minutes before she can actually get up. I 'know' that He is faithful to come and rescue us, but I give up so fast, and choose a crappy temporal fill.
Could you guys please be praying for that. I miss you. see you on the 30th - *hopefully (i'm flying standby)
i love you guys