It is discouraging to see how quickly I resort to trying to cover my low planks. I can't stop my proneness to hide my weaknesses, my default mode that constantly magnetizes towards trying to make everything seem ok. The Body of Christ is so stalled when I do that. What a horrible mistake to make.
I'm not ok. I am still really broken, I have lived a selfish, wrong-direction, sinful life until God began revealing Himself, His greatness and His unconditional, and immeasurable grace to me. And since then (about 2 years ago) I have been spending a lot of time around healed people. And I am now realizing that during much of the past 2 years, I have tried to make my restoration towards holiness happen on my own. I saw it in others, and I tried to get it myself (through Christian books, disciplines, practices..etc) I tried to make it happen without submitting to God doing it - however he wants - probably through a furnace. Discipline produces the peaceful fruit of righteousness, but even if it didn't - It doesn't matter because it is for His glory, not mine.
God can cause this shift of looking differently at my brokenness though.
"Therefore thus says the Lord God: Now I will restore the fortunes of Jacob and have mercy on the whole house of Israel, and I will be jealous for my holy name. They shall forget their shame and all the treachery they have practiced against me, when they dwell securely in their land with none to make them afraid," Ezekiel 39:25-26.
It is still so hard to revisit those treacherous places. But He will make me forget them or see them anew.
I hear the Lord say today, "Son, if you only knew how big my Grace really is. Your past and your idolatry, and your disobedience is more wrong than you'll ever know. But please stop trying to equalize it - you will never be able to come close - it's impossible. Impossible.
Please go to the Cross. The perfect redemption that you don't even know you're looking for is there."